Handbook for Cats

BATHROOMS
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

DOORS
Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get the door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very coldweather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.

CHAIRS AND RUGS
If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a human's bare foot.

HAMPERING
If one of your humans is engaged in some activity, and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping," which your person mistakenly calls "hampering." Following are the rules for hampering:

a. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.

b. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book--unless you can lie across the book itself, which is sure to break the human’s trance.

c. For people paying bills or working on income taxes or Christmas cards, lie on the papers in such a way as to obscure the work. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen. When dislodged, watch from the side of the desk. Then the moment the human leaves, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. You may also help by pushing pens, pencils, and erasers off the table one at a time. Your person will thank you, as he/she doesn’t really want to do these tasks in the first place.

d. When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. Humans love surprises.

e. When your person is working at the computer, jump up on the desk, walk across the keyboard, bat at the mouse, and then lay in human's lap across arms, hampering typing in progress.

WALKING
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

NOCTURNAL BEHAVIOR

Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around. After all, the idea is to lay still and get rest. At precisely 3:00 am every night, leap on your human's chest and screech as if wounded. They will awaken promptly with joy to discover you are not hurt. Concerned that you have no food, you will be escorted to your bowl, and upon finding it full, your human will lovingly call your name several times aloud. This may be repeated daily, as their response is always fresh and new, but periodically let it lapse a few days to maintain spontaneity.

LITTER BOX
When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.

HIDING
Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic--which seems to stimulate them-- thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses, and you probably will get a treat.

FAMILY PETS
Dogs and such are considered equal pets by your humans, but to you they are merely a means to getting your needs met. Eat and drink from their bowls whenever someone is watching. They will pick you up and exclaim, "Poor starving kitty!" and give you canned food.
Special Fish Note: Goldfish bowls can get stagnant, so periodically stir the water for the health of the occupants.

BATH TIME
Instructions for bathing are very simple: Under no circumstances will you allow this to take place. This is the time to utilize whatever claws your human was foolish enough to let you keep.

RODENTIA
Parts of mouse bodies left at the back porch will cause your person to call your name loudly with fervent emotion. Make sure the head is lying nearby, but make it a challenge to find. People love games!

ONE LAST THOUGHT
Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, turn around and present your butt to them. Humans must enjoy this, as they will make loud exclamations, so do it often. And don't forget to treat house guests in the same manner.