(adapted from www.poodle.org/humor)

Rules for Dogs

Rules for Dogs to Live By

Daily routine is divided into two important sections:

1. Mealtime

2. Everything else

Mealtime

Just because there does not seem to be anything visible around to eat certainly does not mean there is nothing around to eat. The act of staring at the underside of a table or chair on which someone else is eating sets in motion a chain of events that eventually results in food.

When you actually receive a meal, submerge your head into it as you would a shower. Never look up again until a minimum of at least fifteen minutes has passed after the food is gone. Just because your dish is empty does not mean that it is time to stop eating.

Remember that all food is potentially yours up until the time that it is actually swallowed by another. The lengthy journey a piece of food will take from a plate to a mouth via a hand is as good a time as any to stake your claim to it.

When it comes to selecting an appropriate beverage, location and packaging mean nothing.

If you really see something you want, and all your other attempts at getting it have failed, it is only right to grovel shamelessly. The "poor hungry poochie" ploy has worked for centuries.

Stare intently at the object of your desire, allowing long gelatinous drools to leak like icicles from your lower lip.

Everything Else

There are really only two important facial expressions to bother with: complete & overwhelming joy and starvation.

Any time that is not meal time is potential nap time. The best time to take a nap is when you hear your name being called repeatedly.

The best nap site is sprawled on your master's wife's pillow.

The most practical way to get dry is to shake violently near a fully clothed person. A second effective method is to stand on a light-colored piece of furniture.

At the first hint of any irregular noise, run from room to room yelling loudly. If someone actually comes into the house, rush over to them whether you know them or not. Then kiss them so that they lose their balance or have to force you away physically.

The greatest unacknowledged threat to life as we have come to know it is squirrels. No matter what you must do, make sure there are none in your yard.

Ball: There are two equally amusing sets of rules you will want to know.

a. The Common Form, in which you receive a thrown ball and return it.

b. The Preferred Form, in which you receive a thrown ball and eat it.

Use Form A if you are not yet tired of the inescapable "Good dog." Use Form B if you think your master needs some exercize.

Car: As you know, any open car door is an invitation to get in. Once inside, your only goal is to try to get out.

In the event of a trip to the doctor, always be on your guard. If you are vaccinated, return the favor and urinate on the physician.