DOG PROPERTY LAWS
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you,
it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically
becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.
HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME:
1. Both take up too
much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum
cleaning.
3. Both mark their territory.
4. Neither tells you
what's bothering them.
5. The smaller ones tend to be more
nervous.
6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's
crotches.
7. Neither does any dishes.
8. Both fart shamelesly.
9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
10.
Both like dominance games.
11. Both are suspicious of the
postman.
12. Neither understands what you see in cats.
HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN:
1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
3. Dogs feel guilty when
they've done something wrong.
4. Dogs admit when they're
jealous.
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6. Dogs do not play games with you-except fetch (and they never
laugh at how you throw.)
7. You can train a dog.
8.
Dogs are easy to buy for.
9. The worst social disease you can
get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the really worst disease you can get from
them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that
gives it to you).
10. Dogs understand what "no" means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
TOP TEN REASONS WHY A DOG IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN:
10. A dog's
parents will never visit you.
9. A dog loves you when you leave
your clothes on the floor.
8. A dog limits its time in the bathroom
to a quick drink.
7. A dog never expects you to telephone.
6. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
5.
A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
4. A
dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog. (In fact, they want you
to pet them even more!)
3. A dog never expects flowers on
Valentine's Day.
2. The later you are, the happier a dog is to
see you.
1. A dog does not shop.
LIFE LESSONS LEARNED FROM A DOG:
1. If you stare at someone
long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
2. Don't go out
without ID.
3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you
feel by piddling on their shoes.
4. Be aware of when to hold your
tongue, and when to use it.
5. Leave room in your schedule for a
good nap.
6. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose
in the crotch is most effective.
7. When you do something wrong,
always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged shamefully out
from under the bed).
8. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real
kiss.
Canis ultimus
